Nope nothing witty today. Just a desire to see something in art. I dont have any artistic talent when it comes to drawing.. Yes I make excellent stick figures, but my talent stops there.
 

So here my idea for a picture for any artist out there that might need alittle inspiration. I would love to see this in a drawing..

Buddha and Jesus sitting at a table. Buddha drinking a 5th of tequila , while jesus sits next to him at a poker table puffing away on a huge cigar.. With three jars of wine which jesus is dipping a wine glass into.. And of course there has to be other people in the picture, but not perfect people. But none of the people can be the same, all have to have something different about them. Maybe even something that might not be right.
 

Why you ask? Because Buddha and Jesus are held in alot of people eyes as something to worship because they are this idea of the perfect being. And I think people are setting the goal bar to high from themselves. And because its so high they give up trying. While I feel both Buddha and Jesus were excellent teachers and did have great enlightment. I dont believe them to be perfect, without flaws.
 

The holy books do us a great disservice. They were not written by these holy men, they were written by others that had viewed them , time and these people made them perfect, even if they were not.. I only hear what they said I dont hear what they thought. And I say that because they did not write their own works that people worship. And I am not saying what is in these books are trash.. There is some very beautiful stuff in them. But you have to realize they are not perfect, nor where these great men. They were human just like you and I. Yes they achieved great things by their ideas and lived what they taught. But I believe they had off days too, those we dont hear about. 

That is why I would like to see this picture drawn, why I would hang such a piece in my living room with honor. To remember these men where not perfect, and I to can achieve greatness like them. Yes I believe once you become enlighted you make less mistakes, but you still make them..

All those people at that party I explained are divine. Not just the buddha and Jesus.. Seeing them as not perfect might make people realize they to can reach that state that these men reached. And they were not perfect either..

I am not sure if everyone has this dream but I do. I would like to find my yoda, Socrates, that great master. Yes I have found these people in books, and from what others have said, and also from my own life experiences. But I would like to find that personal teacher, that helps me become more than I am, and then in return I can do the same for someone else.

Hmmm maybe I am asking to much. For I do have many teachers. I think of my family, my friends and even that stranger I pass on the street. I think of that stranger yesterday I saw while driving home. Dancing around with the pizza restraunt sign trying to advertise that they had 5 dollar pizza inside. He had great enlightnment in that moment. Joy of just dancing and not caring in the world what others thought, just being himself and laughting.

Maybe that was my yoda and my mind wants to force it into just one person to show me the way. Maybe instead of looking and hoping for that one great teacher, I should just accept all my great teachers. They are not from one source but from many.

Would be nice to have someone outside of yourself look at your dance and say I know a way you can do that better. Not forcing it on you like alot of modern religions try, but knowing you and helping you to know more of who you are.

When the student is ready the teacher will come.. Am I not ready?

Last news year eve, I had found out I had Diabettes. A very good friend of mine, more like a brother than a friend, was over. He is a type I diabetic so he is dependant on Insulin. Just sitting around the table and laughing and having a good time. I saw him take a blood reading of himself and I asked for some reason too if I could. My reading 430 ..  It made the rest of the evening very somber for me. As I thought about how my life would change and how I was closer to death than I thought. Kind of symbolic that it happened on New year, because yes it has been a new life for me.

At first I must admit I did not handle it well. I saw it as a great curse. Just a week after finding out I was diabetic, my mother was rushed to the hospital because of a massive heart attack and problems with her Kidneys all related to her diabettes. Its hard enough thinking you are going to lose someone. Its even harder when you have the same thing that person has in your own body. Lucky God answered my pray, and I do believe it will honor our agreement. Yes I know my mother might not make it to a very old age and one day yes I will lose her. But I know God will keep its promise for the one thing I want to give her. And that is her own little grandchildren being able to say with their own words that they love her. Then I know I would be able to find peace and acceptance in this. No persons body lives forever, but we all have to have our ways to find peace with it.

But no I dont see my diabettes as a curse at all now. Because I know what diabettes is now and I know what it is trying to teach me. Diabettes is about balance. When we dont get enough exercise, when we dont eat the right things or to much of the right things , its a condition that will occur. Its a condition that occurs when you body and mind are out of balance. And I have to admit as much as I hate to, I wasnt living in balance before I got diabettes. In a way I asked for diabettes when I prayed to God one day. "How do I get to know you, why cant I feel close to you" My pray was answered in a way I didnt want it to be answered but I have to admit , it is what I needed.

Diabettes has taught me to pay attention to my body. It has taugh me that energy flows where attention goes. It has taught me to pay attention what I am thinking and what I am doing. It has made me more aware of my life.

Are you sitting there reading this barefoot? Do you feel the carpet or hardwood floor with your feet? I use to not be able to do that because of diabettes. That feeling is starting to return. Diabettes has alot of complication. Most people dont actually die from diabettes but the complication because of it. heart attack or kidney failure is what kills most diabetics.

And why is that. The heart and kidney are organs of energy flowing through out bodies. When we have these unbalances the flow just doesnt happen. And that is the same with the outside world. When we cant find the balance in our own lives there is no flow. Not being able to feel the carpet with your feet, that is because of the blood not reaching your feet , there is no flow. And that is what diabettes has taught me. To truely be alive you must find that balance in your life, you must know your limits. And when you find that everything just flows.

And that is why now instead of being someone that was almost type I , I am only a type II diabetic. I only require medication to control my diabettes. And even that they are starting to limit , to one day I will be off the meds. Yes I will still be a diabetic or I still have the danger of becomming insulin depandent. But I know if I can maintain the balance in my life it will never return. Yes the doctors are scratching their heads and some of my family too. I am the first one in my family to in a way beat diabettes. And yes the meds and doctors are helping me to overcome this, I give them great thanks for they things they have done for me. But I also do alot for my own healing, by examining my own life.

I thank the divine for my diabettes, because it has saved me..

As of yesterday Bush Veto something I think would of been really useiful for our country and out of all the things this man has done and said, the below comment really bugged me the most. Of all the presidents we have ever had for this great country, this man I believe is just the worst leader we have ever had, and cant wait for him to leave office.

Bush said: "If this legislation became law, it would compel American taxpayers for the first time in our history to support the deliberate destruction of human embryos. I made it clear to Congress and to the American people that I will not allow our nation to cross this moral line."  http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2007/06/21/bush_vetoes_another_embryonic_stem_cell_bill/

He veto a bill for stem cell research. Which could save millions with its benifits , yet he continues to push his war. Which is the deliberate destruction of human embryos. You have to face up to the facts war is just abortion at a later time in life. We have crossed that moral line and we are running out of control because of this mans leadership. And come on, a stem cell can be grown in a lab and no human life is really harmed but can be saved by it.

I just dont understand how a person can call stem cell, and abortions unethical or unmoral yet think war is ok. I believe both war and abortion are bad choices sometimes we have to make. Because of situation that happen in our world. Actually I think war is a worst choice than abortion. Because people will cheer on war, and spit on the woman that had an abortion. War they make movies about and tell you are a hero. Abortion they make you feel like a whore. Why is it ok, if that baby is born and gets hit by a bomb and dies? 

Both are ugly choices. And both are choices sometimes we have to make. And they have to be choices not laws. We may not agree with them, but with the state the world is in. Which if you look at history we are better off than we use to be. Have to be made. 

Instead of name calling and shouting you are taking the moral high road about something. Lets look at the causes of why these things are happening. And try to nip the start of these two things in the bud. If you are agaisnt abortion then provide oh I dont know the ability to pay for health care. So that woman can afford birth control. But abortion will still need to be a choice for the cases of incest , rape and a danger to the mother. And in the case of war, ask the question why are we fighting and how can we stop it. Buying more bombs isnt the answer. And protesting it in the streets isnt the answer. Why are we fighting and how can we stop it is the question, what is the answer to that?

And I see the answer in that same article I read about stem cell research..

"President Bush won't listen to the more than 500 leading organizations who support the bill, including AARP, the American Medical Association, and the American Diabetes Association, just to name a few," Senate majority leader Harry Reid of Nevada said.

"President Bush won't listen to the 80 Nobel laureates or his own director of the National Institutes of Health, who all support embryonic stem cell research. Most importantly, President Bush won't listen to the overwhelming majority of Americans who call out for stem cell research."

 
He wont listen and that is the problem. And I am thankiful that soon he will be gone from office in 2008 and the republicans and Democrats in this country are providing fine candiates. I really hope McCain and Obama run agaisnt each other in the next race. Because either of them would be fine leaders for this nation because both of them listen. Unlike this tyrant we have now.  We need a leader that will listen and stop shouting I am taking the high road. Because when you are screaming your taking the high road most of the time you act like your high and you are not thinking correctly.

We always seem to be looking for the answers, or at-least I tend to.  And today , that little voice in the back of head said. "Are you sure your asking the right questions?"

Not sure I really understand that. What question am I not asking? I know I feel frustration at not finding the answers Iam looking fort. But what question am I not asking? And hasn't really asking question what really caused my frustration? I ask myself what am I passionate about? Answer I don't know.  Why cant I seem to get my finances in order? Answer I don't know.  Will I ever be able to figure it out? Will I ever find that piece that will bring it all together for me? What question am I not asking? To find my answers I must know the questions.. And what are they?

Does this law of attraction I keep hearing about really work? Answer I dont know.

Complete freedom eh? Then I guess that means I could travel in time then. And each day would be as long as I wanted. But only 31 days would pass in this time phase. Complete Freedom after all not bound by the rules of time.  

1.     I would go back and sit and listen to the Buddha,

2.     I would speak with Jesus, 

3.     I would see Gandi,

4.     I would go and watch mother Theresa care for a child.
 
5.     I would attend a lecture given by Joseph Campbell.

6.     I would take a walk with Wayne Dyer on a beach somewhere and talk.

7.     I would watch the decleration of Indepdance being written.

8.     I would watch Thomas Edison during an experment to discover the light bulb.

9.     I would witness the day I was born

10.  I would witness again the days my sons were born

11. Same as above

12. Same as above

13. I would speak with Abraham Licoln.

14. Spend a day with Ben Franklin

15. See the universe form

16. Speak with the Daili Lama

17. Speak with the Pope

18. Speak with Carl Jung

19. Speak with Einstien

20. See the great wall of China being built

With the rest of the days I would spend time with my self in the past and correct some of the mistakes I made. But that brings up an interesting question? Would I really correct them? For they have made me who I am today..

I would ask how well do they know their self. Do they cherish the memories that they have inside? Are they thankiful for what they have? Are they feeling alone, because they are afraid? What do they love? I wouldnt tell them anything, I would just ask questions.

I have only really felt truely alone at one time in my life. But I havent felt truely alone since that time either. Sure I have had my times of self pitty but there has always been something that made me feel a part of the world again. And it has only when I became thankiful for what I had that I came back to not feeling alone.

The only time I ever felt alone was when i lost my memory in the army from injuries that I had suffered. I really didnt know how rare a total memory loss is till I watched a movie called "Unknown white male" , unlike him I was lucky my memory of my past has returned to me but it was a real ruff year for me. Having no memories of your family, your friends and everyone looks like a stranger. In a sense you dont know what is true or untrue. Everything is new , you have no filters to understand what you see. You have no connections to the world, you dont feel apart of it.

I think that is what causes us to feel alone. We dont admit to ourselves that we are part of this world, we are not thankiful for the small things. We become afraid of living. We have no connection to ourselves anymore. We let fear over take our lives till it almost destorys it. And the only thing I have ever found that is more poweriful than fear is love. And the way to find that love of life again is to remind yourself of what you are thankiful for.. Thank you is just another way of saying I love you. Like attracts Like.. You can not be full of fear and expect love. You must first go inside and find the fear and understand why it is there. You must write those lists of why I am thankiful. You have to see that blue sky and go god that is beautiful.

How did I get my memory back? It started with just a simple green glass of water. I still remember it to this day. I remember each thought that ran through my head as I drank it. I was thankiful to be alive, I was thankiful to be home(Even though I didnt remember living there) , I was thankiful for it being a cold refreshing drink. I was thankiful for the pretty green glass as it sparked in the sunlight. It was at that moment I stopped being afraid of what had happened. Then a memory hit me, of a christmas I had as a child. And I became very excited and thankiful.

No it did not come back all in one day.. It came back a little at a time, so that I could be thankiful for everything that ever happened in my life. And some I was not thankiful for but they were mine none the less. Yes I have forgotten this leason many times in my life. And it is then that my life turns to hell.. When I become thankiful again is when i return to heaven. And feel connected again..

My greastest struggle I would have to say is not to give into angry and fear. Anger and fear are something I have been taught alot in my life but I refuse the leason. By giving into fear we give our power away and we give something other than ourselves that power.

When I can remain calm it all works out perfectly. When i give into fear it is what determines the outcome not me.

I must admit, I am a very blessed man. I have a great family... I love my wife and boys to no end. It is a miracle in of itself. Just 4 weeks ago me and my wife were headed for a divorce. Not because we didnt love each other but we let fear and angry get in our way of what we really wanted. And I believe it is what everyone really wants from this world and that is to be loved for who they are. Alot of time we expect others to fit our little mold of who we think they should be, heck we try to even put god in that litlte box and are angry when it doesnt work out that way we believe it should be. What have I learned? You cant fear what you love and you cant love what you fear. Its a choice between one or the other. My advice choice love it just works out better.

I remember they last fight we had, the 8 hour walk in the park and all that I saw. I remember crying and thinking all that I was going to loose everything, my kids, my home, my beautiful wife. But I remember that silence that descend on me as I sat on the steps of the chapel I had married my wife in only 6 years before. I started to focus on all the good things we had had and I became thankiful for that. I remember calling on God and asking where it was.. Then I saw the welcome mat set by a tree.. Someone or something had moved that mat just for me to see it. Was strange place for a welcome mat to be in the middle of nothing, but it was a welcome home not to something outside of myself. But to what I have found inside myself. That welcome mat was in front of me, because I am that home. I had finally found where god had gone and I was afraid to look.

But what does this all have to do with When we love , the world loves us back? The first love is for the self, when you have that you can love the world and it will love you with a force you have never seen. Your love becomes real and it does not depend on what others think or want to give you. People are just drawn to you for reason they dont know.. Heck I cant keep my family off me and loving every minute of it..

When you can mediate with a 3 year old hanging onto your head and a 1 year old jumping in your lap, you know how to mediate..lol And what a beautiful meditation it is..

Hi.. Ya long time no writing. Well been for alittle ride the last couple months and now looking back just have to say thanks.. Learned alot. Dont want to sleep ever again.. And I dont mean that by a physical sleep we need that. Mean a spiritual sleep. I was so close to getting to the place I am right at this moment now and I gave up. But the divine is a tricky one. It knows we are all great and only allows bad things to happen in our lives so we can see that greatness in ourselves. Like a concerned parent it has to step back till you see what you need to learn.. I am not going to go into all the bad things that happened to me over the last couple months since I last wrote. They really are not important, and for the first time in my life I have to admit. I am actually thankiful for all the bad things that happened in my life too.. lol

My health is returning to normal.. Soon I wont have to take diabettes pills anymore

My mother is alive and healthy...

My middle son is starting to become more social and talking more.. Was so worried he was autistic. But all the test are comming out good. And I am seeing things in him that tell me that is not the case. Just doing things at his own pace and not some chart in a doctors office somewhere.

My marriage to my wonderiful wife is just so beautiful now. No longer are we pushing each other away but we are becoming more close and accepting of each other.  We are best friends first and a married couple second.

My job is a joy to be at right now. The people here really do care about me. And its such a pleasure to serve.

I am not afraid of my past or the ones I love. Everyday I hear from the divine.. Everything is working out perfectly. And did in the past too.

And most of all I know now what it truely is to be thankiful. A simple sip of water brings me joy. It really is good to be home again. And I dont plan on leaving again.

Yes I did say I wasnt going to go into the bad things that have happened to me in the last couple months. And I didnt because nothing bad did happen to me, I just saw them as bad and I didnt see that they really were good if I just listened..And I heard.. 

To really see my treasure I had to think I was loosing it all. Now I see just how rich I am and all i have to say is THANK YOU!!!